I'm on my parents' computer. A PC. Windows. A regular clunky keyboard. It just feels weird. When I hurriedly scrambled a few quick posts together to see me through the last week before Christmas while already on holidays, I never thought as far ahead as now. New Year's Eve. And now reading so many end of year wraps out there in the blogosphere, I wish I had. What would an end of year wrap be for me without bombarding you with photos? Instead I must make do with rehashing from only the last few months of 2012 which is all my blogger image archive will allow (double image width and all..). Better than nothing I guess.
At the beginning of the year I joined Bron in choosing one word that would hopefully shape the year ahead. I have to say that I found my focus in spits and spats throughout the year. I have most certainly not come to the end of 2012 with a more focussed view on every aspect of my life. But perhaps that is not what I needed after all. I found focus in places I wasn't expecting to, in places I felt at the beginning of the year, were not as important as others. Of course, Life knew that was exactly where I needed to find it.
It came to me in places of motherhood, which I think was really as far as I was looking, back at the beginning. Being present and all that. Motherhood is all encasing for me, as for many mothers. It is my work as well as my play. I don't have a day job to escape to or be responsible for, to converse with grown adults and speak of adult things. I live and breathe my kids. I am rarely apart from them. This year I also spoke about time for myself. If I'm being honest, I think I forgot about this bit quite early into the year. It's so easy to do when your smalls need you for everything. But in those moments where everything fell apart, or was close to crumble, I could see it. And I took time away for myself to get my shit together again. Even if that only meant an hour by myself at the shops to get milk and bread.
As I reflect on the year that was, I see it - the focus - came to me throughout the year like a little steam train. Beginning as a muffled toot in the far, far off distance, chugging gently along, and slowly becoming louder and louder before I realised it was running right by my face. For the thing I was not expecting. The thing that was not even on my radar. The thing that I love, the thing I am good at. The thing that makes sense. The thing that would allow me to be responsible for adult things, while still continuing to be completely present with my smalls. The thing that would unleash years of pent up creativity. The thing that would make me happy. There is risk, and fear, but there is faith.
The past year of blogging has given me so much. It is a strange thing to feel surrounded by such talented, creative and supportive people, but actually be alone. This online community was a big part in obtaining the focus this year, another unexpected. Through the best bits and the worst bits, instagrammers and bloggers were inspiring me whether I needed it or not. Seeing my little blog listed on some of my favourite blogger reading lists for all to see this year, was a real milestone for me.
There will be some big changes happening in our home in the new year. Changes I am both hesitant and excited about. Some things are going to happen that I don't want to. But I must look at the glass half full. I will surround myself with positivity - which at times can be quite a challenge when your husband is naturally fairly negative - and remind myself of my goals where I can see them every day. On the fridge, the chalkboard, on my bedside table, at the computer, in the laundry. I don't make resolutions, but this year I am. Or goals, which is pretty similar I think. I need a concrete list in front of me to work toward, to keep me on track, to remind me of what I NEED amongst the day to day magic and monotony of motherhood. Because I am now at a point in this mothering journey where caring for the kids and giving them all THEY need, is no longer giving me all that I NEED. And I feel no guilt in such admission. Time waits for no one and I'm not going to be left behind.
I hope the last evening of the year for you is spent doing something you love. Happy New Year, friends xx