Wednesday, 14 November 2012

the awful mother

Yesterday I was the worst version of my mothering self. I did all the things I shouldn't have and couldn't stop myself from doing them. Mostly the yelling. My God the yelling. It never works, so why did I do it? All. day. long. It seemed as if the kids had earplugs in and I was yelling at myself just for fun. Cause that's so much fun. Sometime after lunch Ruby asked me why I was so cranky? You've been yelling all day mum, why are you so grumpy? When she asked me, I stood in the kitchen, trying to think of an answer to her very fair question. Why the hell was I so shitty today? I had no answer.

Ruby and I have had this niggling cough, but only at night. I guess we're not sleeping very soundly. It was just one of those days that begins poorly with kids jumping on your head, ready to start the day, when all you want to do is pull the covers high, and get the imaginary nanny to take them to the park. So you can lay warm, in the darkness, in the silence. It was one of those days where you think by lunch time, it must surely be dinner time? Where you think surely the chain of events of the day so far, that have seen you cleaning up, mopping up, vacuuming up broken glass, prying screaming kids apart, feeding, feeding, feeding seemingly hollow legged children, hearing MU-UM bellowed 3,498 times - surely - it must end. That must be enough for one day? My relief came at 3.50pm when hubby arrived home to collect Ruby for dancing. The boys turned back into normal children, they played happily, I took the opportunity to bath them early, and I made meatballs. And breathed.

A light bulb moment made me realise that end of year exhaustion has arrived early. For us all. I'd be ever so grateful if it buggered off for another month until it's time to put our holiday pants on and get the hell out of here.

Why do we have these days? To remind us how horrible we can be? To catch a glimpse of our worst selves? To test us? To doubt ourselves and our capabilities? To see how easy it is to lose your shit? Just for fun? To make us ask ourselves stupid questions? Or to remind us how grateful we are in the most backhanded way possible? I'm going with the latter. Because days like yesterday should leave something good in their wake, even if it's the tiniest speck floating in a river of rubbish.

I am grateful for my kids. My three, healthy, beautiful, LOUD, kids. They fill up our home with their little bodies, full of love, their big loud voices, their constant noise, their drawings left everywhere, their books pulled off shelves, their playroom upended. And their smiles. Their beautiful big smiles. We must be doing something right.

I am grateful for my hubby. Who knew when he left home yesterday morning that I would struggle through the day and be far worse for wear by the time we saw each other again. He busted his arse to get his work done so he could leave early to take Ruby to dance. So he could help me.

I am grateful that somebody else's best days are my worst days (not in a my life is better than yours way). I've said it before, I'll say it again. I live a blessed life with a wonderful, loving husband, happy and healthy children, a lovely home, food on the table, clean clothes on our backs. Some days it's easy to forget all that when nothing is going right, only wrong. I am grateful these days are dotted through my life so lightly.

Linking up with other gratefuls for Kidspot Village Voices


  1. I think you're right, everyone is ready for the end of the year and holidays and relaxation. I'm counting down the days til school is finished. I just need a break from the routine. We all have days like these, don't be too hard on yourself xx

  2. I have days or moments of days like this - and think why am I so grumpy with my little people? why am I yelling? why am I saying no?

    The answer is always I am SO tired. On days when I get a little nap or a better night sleep - oh how much more normal I feel and how happier our home is.

  3. I have learnt over time that days like this, while dreadful, are completely least in my life. Just know that we all get the grumps from time to time and the dawn of a new day brings hope and promise.

    The holidays can't come soon enough for us.

  4. Oh I have been having a few days like that lately, I wasn't sure what it was, but it must be the end of year thing.. so tired... I hope today is a better day for you. xoxo

  5. Take the up with the down. I've had a pretty testing few days and it's left me drained. I leave the house in the state that it is and head to the garden with the boys. They potter and occupy themselves (mostly) and I get to breathe. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. When it doesn't, I know it's almost bedtime. We're all blessed in one way or another. Lovely grateful. x

  6. I have felt exactly the same! I am interstate with my baby and me and he is so unsettled that I have been going out of my mind but then I remember how blessed I am. Good work surviving the day though!!
    Ellen xx

  7. i remember writing a post similar to yours a while back. I was grateful for the "bad mothering days" - the days where i yell, scream, refuse to offer any kind of planned activity and hope that my kids will just play nicely whilst the minutes tick away. I think the bad days ground us. make us appreciate that the days we can pull it together are the extraordinary ones. It's completely normal and really in todays society we put way to much pressure on ourselves to be the perfect mother...there is no such thing, and if there is, she has bad days too!

  8. Its been a big year. Here is to more happy days ahead..and a little less yelling.

  9. I love this post. You have taken a page out of my life and put it to words. Thank you for sharing.

  10. We are all frazzled and over each other at our place too, Tahnee. It's been a big year (I have no idea how or why, but it just has!). Tomorrow is always better. x

  11. You are right on the money Tahnee. We all have those days and thankfully they are few and far bewteen. My little man and I have the same cough at the moment and it is nagging and annoying, it is actually giving me a headache and making me grumpy too! Hang in there. Christmas is only 40 days away and you will be off and in the sunshine in no time. I feel your plight though, as one child is sometimes too much on those days, I can only imagine battling through 3 little ones when you are not well yourself. Today will be better as thankfully we usually don't have two days in a row like that!

  12. Eeek! Sounds like our households are pretty similar at the moment.
    Is it the end of the year? Do we just need a holiday?
    I hope I can find the nice mother and get her back soon... sigh.
    It's kinda comforting to know we're all in the same boat! Such a great post Tahnee xx

  13. I love your blog Tahnee, just wanted you to know!


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