Monday, 16 July 2012

weekend love {with a side of grateful}

That's all I've got. Didn't pick my camera up once. Barely instagrammed. There will be some fudging going on for the project.

I spent a lot of time with my girl this weekend. We went to a kindy friend's birthday party on Saturday which began as a two hour party, ending in an all afternoon affair, only leaving when the play centre closed and we were kicked out. I had planned to do a little shopping and coffee/chino stop together after the party, daydreaming of walking hand in hand with no pram to push or sultanas to hand out to distract exuberant Middle, but she was having such a wonderful time with her friends, I didn't want to pull her away. I was also having a wonderful time looking after just one child, chatting and laughing with her friends' mums and enjoying a little down time. I have become friendly with only a couple of the kindy mums, and these were the mums I got to know more at the party. We sat and talked for hours, laughing about family life and kids and babies and not ever wanting to go back to a 9-5 job and everything in between. We found common ground on a lot of topics and made plans to book tickets to the ballet. While this was going on, hubby had taken the boys to our nephew's second birthday party. Another all afternoon affair.

I announced I was sleeping in Sunday morning. After a late breaky and milling around, doing not much at all, Ruby and I headed to the shops for some grocery supplies, leaving the boys to enjoy Toy Story. Again. We took our time and she was happy to ride shotgun in the trolley which is quite the novelty considering her brothers usually take priority. Her awkward size in that tiny seat, her long legs buffering mine as I pushed, her big eyes so close to mine as she spoke, it all made me so sad that her five years at home with me are drawing to a close. Five years that have felt like five minutes.

We still have another seven months together before the school run will become routine, but it's disappearing so very fast. Every day she talks about school and what it will be like, what she will learn, how she will be able to read her own books, how Jacqueline will be going to the same school too, how she will need a bigger bag, her kindy bag just won't do. She has questions. All day long. Questions. Some, I don't know the answers to. And when I am honest and tell her I don't know the answers, she tells me 'but mum, you know everything, of course you know the answer'. She is so ready. So ready for her little brain to grow and soak up as much information as she possibly can. And while I am excited for this next phase, to see her blossom even further, there is definitely more sadness at this point. Because the closer she gets to the school gates, the further away from babyland we get.

When friends ask, are you having another? I say, a little defeated, no, I think we're done. I cannot bring myself to say a definitive no, without pause or hesitation. It feels so harsh. Even though I just took maternity cover off our health insurance. I think I feel defeated because our decision has really been made for us. It is a financial decision. Money aside, could I do it again? Yes. But making a selfish decision to please my heart, a decision that would put far too much pressure on our financial responsibilities as parents, is not something I am willing to do. And I say I because, while of course it is a decision that is made with hubby, who would do it again too, I am the one to carry that little life and bring it into this world. And we have to think about the little lives we have already brought into this world. Little lives who when they ask to try a new sport, or play a new instrument, years from now, I want to be able to say yes, of course you can give it a try! I don't want to have to say I'm sorry darling, we just can't afford it.

We are blessed to have this decision made for us in this way. For that, I am grateful. Many are not so lucky, and the decision to not have any more children is made for them, because their bodies are unable to carry out the miraculous and arduous task of growing and birthing a sweet, little life. I am not a negative person, I like to see the glass half full. This is our positive for knowing our baby days have passed.

I am not sure how this post turned into a grateful one, but it has, so I'm going with it. Sometimes I surprise myself with what comes out at the keys, sometimes I feel I am not in control of my fingers. Things need to be said, whether I was aware of them or not.

If your baby days have passed, how did you know? When asked if you were having another, could you give a definitive NO?

{Double linky today, with Lou for Point + Shoot, and Bron for Kidspot Village Voices.}


  1. Oh Tahnee. I loved reading every bit of this.
    I spent the last three nights in bed refusing to believe that Celeste has turned 2. It was almost heartwrenching in a quiet way. Don't even get me started on Clari heading the same way as Ruby next year. They are all lanky legs, questions and thoughtful little lady minds now.
    Was at Emma's last week and I swear Josh will be taller than me in no time (!?!!). It is so sweet to be able to spend an hour or two alone with your biggest.
    So...those three nights spent in bed have been emotional in a sense, thinking about Celeste turning 2, dealing with school next year and Hubby and I knowing that we are well and fully ready at 'that stage' to have another one. In my heart, I think third will be the last as well. But I can't bear to think about the days after, when ALL the baby things will have to go... the cot, pram, carseats, trikes...and replaced by things that are so so different. When I know in my heart that that really and truly is the last time for us. No! God please help me if people ask me about having no. four.

  2. we are expecting number 3 in october, there will be 2yrs between each child. i am excited and very nervously about having 3 under 4. this will be the last babe. i said that after my second (and passed on all my boy clothes, once we learnt we were having a girl, now we are having another boy!). but this time when i say it, it is because pregnancy is hard on my body and mind, and financially we cannot do it (as much as i have learnt and changed the way i spent compared to those early days). i am happy with 3 (as much as i love love newborns!).

  3. I loved this post Tahnee, it brought tears to my eyes. Your little family is just devine. What Jase and I wouldn't give to have another. The questions coming from our little man about brothers, sisters and babies are really heartbreaking to explain to him that we can't have a sibling for him. So although different circumstances I understand that ache for another little one. I would love to have that experience again but that is just not his plan for us. We have had that decision made for us unfortunately but as you say, glass half full, we have our beautiful little man and we will be able to give him everything he will require to enjoy a full and exciting life.

  4. I feel something similar. The thought of little Fox at school five days a week, learning so much from other people, growing and developing without me close by, I get teary thinking about it. I want him to have great opportunities educationally, socially and emotionally. We all want that for our loved ones. Knowing that his world is about to get a lot bigger and my time with him is going to be less is bitter sweet. It's that milestone of stepping out on their own really the first time, I am full of mixed emotions. On the other note I suspect three babes will be it for us, but we did buy a Honda Odyssey which large enough for four just in case....I suspect that unless we end up with twins for the next babe(s) it will be three. Not yet there so I just don't know. xxx Safe travels enjoy the warm.

  5. It sounds like we had a similar weekend. My little girl started school this year, so I felt the same as you are now, one year ago. It makes me sad that my baby days are over. Our decision is based on a mix of finance and sanity. It doesn't feel like a definitive NO but it's a no. I think.

  6. I agree with Blythe above... unfortunately it does come down to finances and sanity (most definitely sanity). And what you say about kids wanting to do things that cost money - the more kids, the less money to go around. After three bubs, we're calling it quits. I'm hanging up my fallopian tubes, so to speak! I would love to have another, but they are just so much work! I realise this now, with more maturity on my side. And my littlest, Ada, just turned one, is making it very easy for us to accept she will be our last... a sporadic sleeper, a picky eater... as much as i love them, and loved them as babies, part of me is glad to see in the next stage.

  7. My baby is turning two this weekend. And my husband had the snip last October. We said we always wanted three... but when I answer that question, that "are you going to have any more?" I can never give a definite answer. I think I will be clucky forever, and I can't think too much about when my babes were tiny, it makes me sad that time has gone so fast!

  8. I find it hard when my babies turn 2 - so much so that after our pigeon pair (one year apart) were past the two mark, I cried for a week. We had decided that two was it though, for financial/time/emotional/work related reasons... but... then just before our second turned three we got our little treasure, our *gift* and things are all right - we all love this little person to bits, he has been such a blessing and I have loved it all. And when he turned two, I only cried for two days!!! Hubby has been to visit 'the doctor' so there will be no more. I think I will always have room in my heart for more but it is a relief to know the decision is made. My big two are at school now, that hurt too, but it is so excited to share their excitement on unravelling the world around them. So many nice things to enjoy alongside them... I am extra lucky because I work at the school with them, my classroom is in the same building as my preppie!

  9. I adore the way you have written about this. I feel like i have closed this book, with a bittersweet feeling. I knew for sure, when I had a cuddle with our friends' newborn, and admired and cooed, but certainly didn't ache. Coming to terms with moving into the next stage is a little difficult though! Glad to have found you :) sarah.


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